Little lost baby

A pregnant co-worker lost her baby last week, at 4 months. I didn't know her that well - mostly just from quick chats in the elevator or a conversation at the company picnic. She told her boss to tell everyone because she didn't to have to explain when she comes back to work, to endure a question like "How's the baby?" from someone who didn't konw.

I really feel for her loss. Especially because I love, LOVE Garcon so much. I remember feeling overwhelmed when I first found out I was having Garcon. In the beginning, I wondered if he would "stick" or if he'd be lost. Perversely, as you're trying to imagine your life with a baby, you wonder if it wouldn't be better to not have a baby. But by the time four months rolled around, I was almost used to the idea of being pregnant. By six months, I loved being pregnant. So I can't imagine her pain.

Someone in the media department organized a card and a gift, which we all contributed to. The group card had many signatures, but they all said the same things:

I'm sorry for your loss
My thoughts are with you
Take care

I wrote something similarly bland. When she comes back, I want to give her space, but still know I'm thinking of her. The word equivalent to a hug & I'm here for you - but for an aquaintence. I haven't the right words to say - but I'm sure I'll come up with something.


* * * * *
Ultimately, I decided less is more. I stopped by her office, gave her a hug and said welcome back. I asked her to let me know if I can do anything. She gasped back tears, and said thank you. And I left.

Since it's easy to just leave it at that - "Oh, I offered her help...I've done my part now" - but I know no one ever asks for help. So I think I'm going to check in on her again in a week. Just the same amt of "I'm here" as before.

Alpha Mommy

We're pretty good parents, DH and I. I'm not saying that to be cocky or self-important - we have much, MUCH to learn. But I do know one thing for sure - I am certain we're the best parents for Garcon.

We're both hard workers and achievers, but we sit down, relax and play with Garcon as often as we can. We provide eye-to-eye play and help him discover new things, like textures and sounds. We also work to provide learning opportunities without overstimulation. No matter what we bring home, his favorite toys are the ones on the bottom of the kitchen island - tupperware, mini frypans, a measuring cup. In that regard, we're pretty low-tech. I'm confident he'll learn through life experiences and through the opportunities to explore that we provide. And I'm not too aggressive about it - if he's supposed to walk at a year, talk at 15 months, he will. It's going to happen a certain way, I'll encourage development, but I'm not going to shove it down his throat. So when I read about Alpha Mom and the Alpha Mom TV network, I was pretty astonished.

Here is a woman who seems to view having a child as a checkbox to mark off, quite literally, as she says, a "job to do."

I accept that there are people who come to caring for a child more naturally than others. I have a cousin who is truly a magnificent caregiver. She has gravitated to caring for kids since she was old enough to babysit - and has been a sought-after nanny and now is studying to work with children in a hospital setting. Kids gravitate to her in return. She is really, really good at what she does. She has a special gift.

There are other people who seem to struggle with relating to a child, like the woman in the article. I think she's having a difficult time in knowing what to do. She lacks confidence that could be gained by relating and listening to her child. And as I stated above, I don't know much about parenting but trial and error to find what works for my Garcon. So I wonder what would happen if the woman in the article spent time absorbed in her son? If instead of researching the best ways to mother, she used her research time to watch her child and respond to his needs?

MomsRising.org

I came across a website that seems to be organizing moms and mom-friendly people (dads, relatives, kidlet-less) to be activists. I like the premise. I signed up for their newsletter to learn more. Here's the auto-email the site generates to help you spam your friends. Lucky you, Friend - I save you an e-mail blast because you opted to read this blog.

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I hope you'll join me and tens of thousands of others in one of the most exciting grassroots movement on the Internet: MomsRising.org.

MomsRising.org (http://www.momsrising.org/) is working to build a massive grassroots movement big enough to impact the outcome of the 2008 elections and beyond. The time has come to break the logjam that's been holding back family-friendly legislation for decades. It's going to take all of us--and then some--working together to get there.
MomsRising gives mothers, and all who have mothers, a voice in shaping the laws & policies that affect our lives. You can sign online petitions on timely issues like healthcare, flexible work options, paid family leave, childcare, living wages, and more, or you can just sign up to receive email alerts, all for free.

I hope you'll consider signing up today.

The sooner people sign on with MomsRising.org, the sooner we'll all be able to promote key issues that have been languishing for too long. Families are struggling and we can change this. We can pass paid family leave; develop flexible work, great childcare, and after-school programs; and demand healthcare for all kids and living wages.

It's time to help children and families. It's time to build a truly family-friendly America. It takes just 30 seconds to sign on, but your impact goes on much longer than that 30 seconds.
Thank you!

Breastfeeding - so controversial

I'm always amazed at the press that breastfeeding receives.

Woman kicked off plane for breast-feeding - Travel News - MSNBC.com

I don't think people in other countries are as high-strung about breastfeeding as we are in the U.S. I'm still nursing my son at 7 1/2 months, which makes me unusual...most American babies are breastfed less than six months. I don't breastfeed in public - and since I'm back to work it's usually an early a.m. and bedtime event. While he's at daycare, he's on formula. That said, part of the reason I don't do it in public is because manuevering 7 1/2 month Garcon at 29 inches and about 19 lbs is getting a bit unwieldy. I'm wondering how large her 22 month old is, and how he appears when nursing? I have a hunch the toddler's size is the controversial part of the woman nursing on the Delta flight. 22 months is practically two, which in our world, is practially verboten to have a child THAT! OLD! on the tit.

I certainly support the mother's right to nurse and right to fly. However, if I was being threatened wtih removal from the plane, I'd probably say FINE - gimme the damn blanket. And start mentally writing my complaint letter immediately en route. Call it part of my instinct to pick my battles. The upside is, this way we get to debate the issue, the mother has helped us draw attention to the issue, and some day we might be less puritannical. Maybe.

Social Graces

Now that DH and I are parents, we're socializing with other parents. And these are mostly new friends, as our own don't have children yet. We are truly the first among our friends to have kids, and as a result, total newbies to the child-centered social event.

Take this weekend. We attended Bokumbop's first birthday party for Lil' T. Thanks again for inviting us, C. It was really lovely - an abundance of great food, plenty of nice parents and of course, new toys for Garcon to inspect. This was our first 1st birthday party, so she's set the bar for all others!

But Garcon got off to a rough start...set down to crawl and slipped, taking a bump to the head and cried hard. I didn't know anyone, so I was a little quieter than normal, too - and I'm sure he noticed that. However, we all warmed up and had a nice time. It was good to see two other moms from the Mom's Group. That's a part of my life that I really enjoyed, during the brief time I participated.

Group hug.

So I've been especially glad lately in my real life. I might even say I'm filled with Joy. And Peace. Which for me, is kind of unusual. Not that I'm an unhappy person, but usually I'm pretty angsty when I open up. Even in high school, I was a worrier, a bit self-conscious. I was generally happy in college, a bit angsty in the first few years post-college and first few years of marriage. I definitely still worry. Too Much. But lately, less angst!

I can't put my finger on exactly why. It could be one thing. It could be a number of things all taken together. Here's a few of the things that I've been happy about recently:
- A good marriage that became great when we had a baby and really/truly had to team up to survive.
- A beautiful, curious, fast on his knees, well-developing baby.
- A new position at the old company, a great new team and the end to the job search.
- A growing friendship with my sister-in-law Honig, more proof that females grow stronger together when we support each other.
- An improving relationship with my mom, who I understand a little more each day that I'm a mother. Not to say she doesn't frustrate me immensely at times.
- And here's the one that I think makes the most difference: I'm writing about my worries here, rather than acting them out in real life. I think my outlook began improving at about the time I began blogging regularly, began reading the accounts of other new moms, began realizing that the things that bother me are more universal and not isolating.

Her Bad Mother wrote about it here and inspired this blog - as did one of HBM's readers, who commented about the Power of Negative Thinking. Getting it out on page here, helps me get it together in real life. Amazing. Is it overstating to say it's a life-saver?

P.S. I have to give credit where due - if not for the inspiration of Bokumbop, I might not have started blogging.

Metro Mama: Tell All

Sometimes, I forget to write about how happy I am to have Garcon in my life. He's a superstar baby, and fits DH and I in a magical way. It's easy to get caught up in the trials and tribulations of mommyhood, when I start to use this forum as a venting outlet. But on the whole, it's more positive than not.

Apparently, I'm not the only one thinking about this. Metro Mama wrote about it here and I think she's right.