At school, there were only one or two babies dressed in costume. I guess the rest of the working moms felt the same way. I remarked to Ms. N, the teacher, that I thought it would be more convenient for their diaper changing if I didn't dress Garcon in costume. Which was a total lie to make me feel better. Though seeing only 2 of 6 kids in costime made me feel much better.
On reflection, I am really trying to keep my own feelings and shyness from limiting Garcon's options and outlook. I think I've already made mistakes, though. I skipped the office Halloween party (previously mentioned here) because I didn't think I'd get a lot out of it - but maybe it's not about me. Maybe he would have enjoyed it. Maybe I just didn't want to drive. At least I can be sure that he'll get more out of it next year as an 19-mo old.
Tonight, I'm planning to head out early to get home and ready for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. I'll pick up Garcon, put him into that little devil outfit, grab my angel wings, and be ready to go. Hopefully the kids will still be around by 5:30. Last year, at 6:15, everyone was pretty well done.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Adequate
I've thought about being a good mom, a cool mom, a smart mom, a sharp mom. . .and most of the time, I feel good about what I do. Today is Halloween, and for the last few weeks I've planned to dress up Garcon and send him to day care with his little devil outfit. It's not an overly done costume, but instead fits like a little sleeper and has a horned hood and little tail. The feet are not cloven - that would probably be one too many evil touches for a baby's outfit.
As I drove to day care today, I realized that Garcon was wearing everyday clothes. I completely forgot about my dress-up plan for him. When DH changed him out of his sleeper and into dry diaper and clothes, it didn't occur to me that I'd considered the devil outfit, even though we'd already remarked about the trick-or-treaters coming this evening, and so forth.
Driving to day care, I felt bad. I felt like the kid whose mom didn't get it. The kid of the working mom who was too busy to think about those things. It was a familiar feeling. And I still hate it.
As I drove to day care today, I realized that Garcon was wearing everyday clothes. I completely forgot about my dress-up plan for him. When DH changed him out of his sleeper and into dry diaper and clothes, it didn't occur to me that I'd considered the devil outfit, even though we'd already remarked about the trick-or-treaters coming this evening, and so forth.
Driving to day care, I felt bad. I felt like the kid whose mom didn't get it. The kid of the working mom who was too busy to think about those things. It was a familiar feeling. And I still hate it.
Monday, October 30, 2006
All Hallow's Eve...general musings
Tomorrow is Halloween, and Garcon's first opportunity to wear a costume. Since he's just seven months, and we don't have a specific event to go to, I'm not too concerned about his costume. I do have a little devil outfit/sleeper that will work fine for the trick-or-treaters that come to the door. I'm a little apologetic about it, because it's not an adorable pumpkin or bumblebee outfit. It's a little devil which has a bit of a negative connotation to it. It will be fine for my purposes, though. But many other mom friends have gotten excited about the whole event. I actually had someone ask me back in August what Garcon would be wearing this Halloween. Wow...now that's anticipation.
* * * * *
I have a friend who is quite into her faith, and doesn't permit her four children to participate in Halloween or dress up. Their children trick-or-treat by handing out prayer cards door to door. I can't recall if they actually collect candy. Anyway, over the weekend, said friend asked me what Garcon would be wearing for Halloween. I confess, I couldn't quite tell my Christian, non-Halloween-observing friend that my little son would be a devil. It just didn't feel right. So I fibbed, and told her I didn't have a costume. Now what will I tell her when her kids come to the door? Hmm...
* * * * *
Our office observes Halloween by allowing kids to come in for a party. The kids go office to office in costume and collect candy. I've been here three years, and never was present for the party - always had travel or some other event going on. And to be honest, I wasn't that interested in other people's children.
This year, I was on the road for meetings a few days before the party. My first day back in town was the day of the party and I opted to work from home. I kept Garcon home from daycare and skipped the party. On the one hand, I didn't want to drive in Friday rush hour traffic to the office for a party that Garcon really can't enjoy - he'd simply sit there or try to eat the decorations. But on the other hand, I'm somewhat uncomfortable with the joining of work and home. I brought Garcon in twice as an infant - both times to meet friends for lunch. And each time, I had a hard time separating the Mommy role from colleague. They just didn't jive for me at the time. I actually caught myself talking in Mommy to a co-worker because I was holding Garcon. Plus, I felt like I was showing off my son: "Look, I have offspring!" After the second child-visit to the office, I decided I wouldn't trot him out for others to see. I don't really need their approval to feel good about being a mom.
Despite all that, I guess I'll plan to participate in next year's event. He'll be 18 months and old enough to enjoy walking around. I might even get over the traffic.
* * * * *
I have a friend who is quite into her faith, and doesn't permit her four children to participate in Halloween or dress up. Their children trick-or-treat by handing out prayer cards door to door. I can't recall if they actually collect candy. Anyway, over the weekend, said friend asked me what Garcon would be wearing for Halloween. I confess, I couldn't quite tell my Christian, non-Halloween-observing friend that my little son would be a devil. It just didn't feel right. So I fibbed, and told her I didn't have a costume. Now what will I tell her when her kids come to the door? Hmm...
* * * * *
Our office observes Halloween by allowing kids to come in for a party. The kids go office to office in costume and collect candy. I've been here three years, and never was present for the party - always had travel or some other event going on. And to be honest, I wasn't that interested in other people's children.
This year, I was on the road for meetings a few days before the party. My first day back in town was the day of the party and I opted to work from home. I kept Garcon home from daycare and skipped the party. On the one hand, I didn't want to drive in Friday rush hour traffic to the office for a party that Garcon really can't enjoy - he'd simply sit there or try to eat the decorations. But on the other hand, I'm somewhat uncomfortable with the joining of work and home. I brought Garcon in twice as an infant - both times to meet friends for lunch. And each time, I had a hard time separating the Mommy role from colleague. They just didn't jive for me at the time. I actually caught myself talking in Mommy to a co-worker because I was holding Garcon. Plus, I felt like I was showing off my son: "Look, I have offspring!" After the second child-visit to the office, I decided I wouldn't trot him out for others to see. I don't really need their approval to feel good about being a mom.
Despite all that, I guess I'll plan to participate in next year's event. He'll be 18 months and old enough to enjoy walking around. I might even get over the traffic.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Business Travel
I’m on my first work-related flight since having Garcon. Though DH and I have had a few overnights away from him (singles for our anniversary and a wedding – a double for a farther wedding), this is my first trip away for an involuntary purpose.
Somehow the involuntary nature changes things.
While I’m thinking of Garcon each time I pass a traveling family or a mother – and occasionally, a father – I must confess I don’t envy those schlepping bags, strollers and car seats. I’m almost relieved to be traveling sans diaper bag. Even the mother pushing an elegant Bugaboo looks shleppy – the Snugride seat riding on her forearm and the diaper bag and purse on the other just make her seem overloaded. The parents traveling together seem to be having a better go of it.
Flying reminds me of my pre-baby days. I actually enjoyed business travel and the freedom it provided me. I was fortunate that my client destination was top-notch. For that client, I’d jet into LaGuardia, was picked up by private car and whisked to the Grand Central Hyatt. The address on 42nd at Lexington was just blocks from Times Square one direction – and blocks from the UN to the other. And out my window, across the street I could look down at Cipriani, the luxe restaurant/residences...often seeing paparazzi flashbulbs from 20 stories up. Yes, it’s hard to beat midtown Manhattan on expenses. It was a world that I loved to travel in, before traveling pissed me off as a pregnant woman. How dare you ask me to travel at 30 weeks?
Now, I’m on to another client team, and our destination in the southeast isn’t so tony. It’s not bad, not horrible, but it’s not Midtown. I’ll have to see what I think about it.
I know eventually I’ll fly with Garcon, and I will become the happily overburdened schlepper. But today I’m just quietly thinking of him as I fly like the woman I used to be.
Somehow the involuntary nature changes things.
While I’m thinking of Garcon each time I pass a traveling family or a mother – and occasionally, a father – I must confess I don’t envy those schlepping bags, strollers and car seats. I’m almost relieved to be traveling sans diaper bag. Even the mother pushing an elegant Bugaboo looks shleppy – the Snugride seat riding on her forearm and the diaper bag and purse on the other just make her seem overloaded. The parents traveling together seem to be having a better go of it.
Flying reminds me of my pre-baby days. I actually enjoyed business travel and the freedom it provided me. I was fortunate that my client destination was top-notch. For that client, I’d jet into LaGuardia, was picked up by private car and whisked to the Grand Central Hyatt. The address on 42nd at Lexington was just blocks from Times Square one direction – and blocks from the UN to the other. And out my window, across the street I could look down at Cipriani, the luxe restaurant/residences...often seeing paparazzi flashbulbs from 20 stories up. Yes, it’s hard to beat midtown Manhattan on expenses. It was a world that I loved to travel in, before traveling pissed me off as a pregnant woman. How dare you ask me to travel at 30 weeks?
Now, I’m on to another client team, and our destination in the southeast isn’t so tony. It’s not bad, not horrible, but it’s not Midtown. I’ll have to see what I think about it.
I know eventually I’ll fly with Garcon, and I will become the happily overburdened schlepper. But today I’m just quietly thinking of him as I fly like the woman I used to be.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
One door closes...
So, during my clandestine job hunt I was pretty aggressive. I worked with a headhunter, ID'd a great agency and gave a kickass interview. They decided to go more junior with the position, though I was "amazing." Two months passed. I interviewed elsewhere but decided to stay put when offered another position here - with the kind of flexibility I wanted. I began settling in to the new role, and all was fine. But last week the managing partner of the great agency came back and said he wanted me. Oh, how nice to be wanted!
Not long ago - even a month ago - I would have jumped. But by now I had wrapped my head around staying, began integrating into the new team and had a great situation: reporting to two supervisors who work remotely, who allow me to work from home as needed and I'm able to leave promptly at 5pm. Now, it didn't make sense to leave a good situation.
I asked the MP if he could accomodate my flexibility (work from home on occasion, leave on a timely basis). The answer was no - while we're supporters of a work-life balance, we can't match your current situation. But keep in touch. I will confess I was disappointed. I had hoped they wanted me enough.
Sigh. Am I making a mistake by playing hardball for the work-life balance?
Not long ago - even a month ago - I would have jumped. But by now I had wrapped my head around staying, began integrating into the new team and had a great situation: reporting to two supervisors who work remotely, who allow me to work from home as needed and I'm able to leave promptly at 5pm. Now, it didn't make sense to leave a good situation.
I asked the MP if he could accomodate my flexibility (work from home on occasion, leave on a timely basis). The answer was no - while we're supporters of a work-life balance, we can't match your current situation. But keep in touch. I will confess I was disappointed. I had hoped they wanted me enough.
Sigh. Am I making a mistake by playing hardball for the work-life balance?
Friday, October 20, 2006
Sleep in heavenly peace
I take the photos in our family, so I asked DH to snap one of me with Garcon, for a change.
I like the peaceful feeling of this shot.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Just Like His Momma, Garcon Loves Shiny Things
And one is Bruno's water bowl. Every time he's in the kitchen, he makes a beeline for it. I swear, it's magnetism.
Reaching....
Almost there...
Got the edge...
Waterfall!!
Reaching....
Almost there...
Got the edge...
Waterfall!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Life Experience Inventory...
Credit to SwingDaddy for this one...SwingDaddy, a cyclist like my DH, is married to Lady M.
Bold the ones you've done...
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swum with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone [and then was fortunate to marry him]
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it [ditto]
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and seen the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight [Pudding fights at Camp Minikani]
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run [Nope. But I have scored the winning tiebreaker goal in sudden death at a soccer tournament. My soccer ability may have peaked at 9.]
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking [Actually, I'm a very good dancer. No, that's not the alcohol talking.]
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even if just for a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit-faced [I believe that's called college.]
42. Had amazing friends See college
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country [Ah, Barcelona with zero sleep, at the age of 22]
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign [Yes, MarcO's going away party! The ShortBus tour...]
46. Backpacked in Europe [That memorable trip to Italy with Laura]
47. Taken a road trip
48. Gone rock climbing [Started at Devil's Lake, in WI at 12]
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach [...and drunkenly tried to skinnydip]
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love [So true...]
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow [Just one in a long line of experiences with dairy business]
56. Alphabetized your cds [I'm OCD when it suits me.]
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke [It hardly takes convincing, I'm a huge fan of Johnny Cash or Neil Diamond]
59. Lounged around in bed all day [Even so, the day is never long enough...]
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving [On the honeymoon, scared out of my mind, did it 'cause DH wanted to...and then later learned he did it because I wanted to. Lesson #1 of married life...speak up.]
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud [Camp Minikani]
64. Played in the rain [Ditto]
65. Gone to a drive-in theater [And I'm usually disappointed. It's not as fun as in the movies.]
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites [See backpacking, Italy, Laura]
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played DD for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children [Just getting started...but I don't know if Raised should ever go past tense.]
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sung loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart [Sorry.]
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone [First at age 8. Don't demonstrate ice skating ability on an iced-over concrete patio.]
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol [See Camp. Later, with the in-laws.]
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse [Again, Camp. How lucky was I?!]
119. Had major surgery[Cesarean]
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon [Hopefully in May 07]
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi [Mmm, maybe for lunch today?]
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions [So far, so good...with 5 and 10 out of the way, I should be safe until 20.]
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language [With Garcon, every day.]
139. Been elected to public office [Yes, if Student Council counts.]
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you [Beaded jewelry]
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair [First time was in the basement of a London hostel, no kidding.]
147: Been a DJ [YES! WSTC in high school]
148: Shaved your head [No, sadly. I'm too vain.]
149: Caused a car accident [Yes, but I was a very new driver...all three times]
150: Saved someone's life
Bold the ones you've done...
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swum with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone [and then was fortunate to marry him]
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it [ditto]
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and seen the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight [Pudding fights at Camp Minikani]
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run [Nope. But I have scored the winning tiebreaker goal in sudden death at a soccer tournament. My soccer ability may have peaked at 9.]
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking [Actually, I'm a very good dancer. No, that's not the alcohol talking.]
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even if just for a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit-faced [I believe that's called college.]
42. Had amazing friends See college
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country [Ah, Barcelona with zero sleep, at the age of 22]
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign [Yes, MarcO's going away party! The ShortBus tour...]
46. Backpacked in Europe [That memorable trip to Italy with Laura]
47. Taken a road trip
48. Gone rock climbing [Started at Devil's Lake, in WI at 12]
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach [...and drunkenly tried to skinnydip]
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love [So true...]
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow [Just one in a long line of experiences with dairy business]
56. Alphabetized your cds [I'm OCD when it suits me.]
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke [It hardly takes convincing, I'm a huge fan of Johnny Cash or Neil Diamond]
59. Lounged around in bed all day [Even so, the day is never long enough...]
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving [On the honeymoon, scared out of my mind, did it 'cause DH wanted to...and then later learned he did it because I wanted to. Lesson #1 of married life...speak up.]
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud [Camp Minikani]
64. Played in the rain [Ditto]
65. Gone to a drive-in theater [And I'm usually disappointed. It's not as fun as in the movies.]
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites [See backpacking, Italy, Laura]
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played DD for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children [Just getting started...but I don't know if Raised should ever go past tense.]
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sung loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart [Sorry.]
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone [First at age 8. Don't demonstrate ice skating ability on an iced-over concrete patio.]
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol [See Camp. Later, with the in-laws.]
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse [Again, Camp. How lucky was I?!]
119. Had major surgery[Cesarean]
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon [Hopefully in May 07]
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi [Mmm, maybe for lunch today?]
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions [So far, so good...with 5 and 10 out of the way, I should be safe until 20.]
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language [With Garcon, every day.]
139. Been elected to public office [Yes, if Student Council counts.]
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you [Beaded jewelry]
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair [First time was in the basement of a London hostel, no kidding.]
147: Been a DJ [YES! WSTC in high school]
148: Shaved your head [No, sadly. I'm too vain.]
149: Caused a car accident [Yes, but I was a very new driver...all three times]
150: Saved someone's life
Blogher AA
Who needs therapy? I've got the blogging community of mothers - since I've only got 6 months under my belt, I find those with toddlers are practically oracles of wisdom. Speak to me, o muse - here are a few of my current favorites:
Baby on Bored
Bokumbop
Her Bad Mother
Lady M
Metro Mama
Miracle of Meizhi
Her Bad Mother has been especially educational - for once, I can say I have a clear view of what lies ahead. WonderBaby seems to be the female version of Garcon...and yes, I can already tell that once Garcon reaches toddlerhood, I'm screwed.
Baby on Bored
Bokumbop
Her Bad Mother
Lady M
Metro Mama
Miracle of Meizhi
Her Bad Mother has been especially educational - for once, I can say I have a clear view of what lies ahead. WonderBaby seems to be the female version of Garcon...and yes, I can already tell that once Garcon reaches toddlerhood, I'm screwed.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Better days
Sometimes, it's hard to believe better days are ahead. But lately, I think it's true.
I remember a friend (and fellow first time mom) telling me, "I didn't actually enjoy my baby until about 3 months. At about that time, I stopped feeling like I made a mistake."
Sounds a little harsh until you're a first time mom. Then you realize that it's absolutely true. At first, you do feel like you've made a mistake. Even for the very wanted pregnancies, you're worried (selfishly) about the change in your life, about providing for the baby, about being a good mom.
Unfortunately, I didn't hear my friend's comment until my son was about 3 months. And she was right - until that time, I was struggling with the all-consuming nature of being a mom, of being a wife, of getting things done and figuring out my new and improved identity. And occasionally feeling like the primary provider. Even in the most balanced parenting partnerships, the mother does more, because there are things only mothers can do - breastfeeding, for one.
Lately, though - and certainly since coming back to work - I see that there really are good days and better days in store. I've had a great week, in part because of a simple scheduling shift. Up until now, DH would take Garcon to school, and I'd pick him up. It allowed me precious minutes alone in the morning to continue getting ready and straighten the house before I left. But the downside was a hideous commute home, where literally every street was under construction (tollway -> main artery -> side street). I had to hit the door at 5:01 to ensure I would arrive at the school by 5:50. It was exhausting, made me question working, gave me a tension headache and made me want to rethink the entire arrangement. I thought I got the better deal, because I got the "happy" pickup. I wouldn't have to emotionally separate from Garcon in the morning, but instead return triumphantly at the end of the day. Boy, was I wrong.
For our set of conditions, it's much, much better for me to drop him off in the morning. I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier, and have to hit the door a few minutes earlier, but it's like clockwork after that. I drop him off, head down a main artery and jump on the tollway. It's almost the same amount of time to make the stop at the daycare as when I drive from our house to the office, due to the different traffic conditions/different directions. And, here's the icing on the cake. When I leave the office, I can just head home, relaxed in my speedy commute, and avoid the construction by his school. I get home earlier, can start dinner, change clothes, and my DH picks up Garcon. The entire evening has possibilities, because I'm not beaten down.
I wouldn't think such a minor change would make a big difference but it has. Better days are here already. Because I'm not feeling beaten down at the end of the day.
And the surprising part? Drop-off isn't that emotional! I did tear up one morning - and he saw me, which I swore I would never allow happen. And he didn't cry, my grownup baby. But since that day, I've been fine. Okay, so it's only a week since then, but it's been the best week ever since mothering for the first time.
I remember a friend (and fellow first time mom) telling me, "I didn't actually enjoy my baby until about 3 months. At about that time, I stopped feeling like I made a mistake."
Sounds a little harsh until you're a first time mom. Then you realize that it's absolutely true. At first, you do feel like you've made a mistake. Even for the very wanted pregnancies, you're worried (selfishly) about the change in your life, about providing for the baby, about being a good mom.
Unfortunately, I didn't hear my friend's comment until my son was about 3 months. And she was right - until that time, I was struggling with the all-consuming nature of being a mom, of being a wife, of getting things done and figuring out my new and improved identity. And occasionally feeling like the primary provider. Even in the most balanced parenting partnerships, the mother does more, because there are things only mothers can do - breastfeeding, for one.
Lately, though - and certainly since coming back to work - I see that there really are good days and better days in store. I've had a great week, in part because of a simple scheduling shift. Up until now, DH would take Garcon to school, and I'd pick him up. It allowed me precious minutes alone in the morning to continue getting ready and straighten the house before I left. But the downside was a hideous commute home, where literally every street was under construction (tollway -> main artery -> side street). I had to hit the door at 5:01 to ensure I would arrive at the school by 5:50. It was exhausting, made me question working, gave me a tension headache and made me want to rethink the entire arrangement. I thought I got the better deal, because I got the "happy" pickup. I wouldn't have to emotionally separate from Garcon in the morning, but instead return triumphantly at the end of the day. Boy, was I wrong.
For our set of conditions, it's much, much better for me to drop him off in the morning. I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier, and have to hit the door a few minutes earlier, but it's like clockwork after that. I drop him off, head down a main artery and jump on the tollway. It's almost the same amount of time to make the stop at the daycare as when I drive from our house to the office, due to the different traffic conditions/different directions. And, here's the icing on the cake. When I leave the office, I can just head home, relaxed in my speedy commute, and avoid the construction by his school. I get home earlier, can start dinner, change clothes, and my DH picks up Garcon. The entire evening has possibilities, because I'm not beaten down.
I wouldn't think such a minor change would make a big difference but it has. Better days are here already. Because I'm not feeling beaten down at the end of the day.
And the surprising part? Drop-off isn't that emotional! I did tear up one morning - and he saw me, which I swore I would never allow happen. And he didn't cry, my grownup baby. But since that day, I've been fine. Okay, so it's only a week since then, but it's been the best week ever since mothering for the first time.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Bad Mommy
Baby fall down, go boom.
I did what everyone warned me against - Carol, Grandma, the baby books, etc. I left Garcon- my most mobile Garcon- on the couch, unattended, while I finished getting ready to head out the door. And he fell.
For the first three times I walked by, he was fine. Smiling, looking at Matt Lauer on the Today show, brightening each time I walked by. I grabbed the bottle cooler, my pump, my breakfast and put it in the car. Started the car, cranked the heat and came back in. As I bounced down the stairs to put Bruno in his room, a flicker of thought crossed my mind - he's still up there, he's still ok. Or is he? Should have paid more attention to that intuition.
I grabbed a biscuit, refilled the water, fumbled with the gate. And then I heard THE SOUND: a huge thud (even for 16 lbs) and the loudest, most pained cry yet. I scrambled upstairs and around the couch. There he was, face down, crying his heart out...why, Mommy?
I held him, looked at him - was that a little abrasion on his face? He cried hard, and fought me a little...so I held him closer.
I ran to the bookshelf and grabbed Baby 411, the plain-spoken book authored by a pediatrician that has become my health bible.
I flipped through, holding Garcon, raising my thigh to balance him...and as I followed the book's checklist (fell onto padded carpet, fell less than his height, cried immediately), I realized that he was probably fine. Because by now, he was trying to grab the photos on the kitchen island. Oh, and he blew a raspberry. Baby fine now. My little bible advised icing with a bag of vegetables, but that it wouldn't make a difference - he'd still get a goose-egg, in all likelihood. So I scooped him into his carseat, where he looked as cute as ever, and gave me a little smile.
I did what everyone warned me against - Carol, Grandma, the baby books, etc. I left Garcon- my most mobile Garcon- on the couch, unattended, while I finished getting ready to head out the door. And he fell.
For the first three times I walked by, he was fine. Smiling, looking at Matt Lauer on the Today show, brightening each time I walked by. I grabbed the bottle cooler, my pump, my breakfast and put it in the car. Started the car, cranked the heat and came back in. As I bounced down the stairs to put Bruno in his room, a flicker of thought crossed my mind - he's still up there, he's still ok. Or is he? Should have paid more attention to that intuition.
I grabbed a biscuit, refilled the water, fumbled with the gate. And then I heard THE SOUND: a huge thud (even for 16 lbs) and the loudest, most pained cry yet. I scrambled upstairs and around the couch. There he was, face down, crying his heart out...why, Mommy?
I held him, looked at him - was that a little abrasion on his face? He cried hard, and fought me a little...so I held him closer.
I ran to the bookshelf and grabbed Baby 411, the plain-spoken book authored by a pediatrician that has become my health bible.
I flipped through, holding Garcon, raising my thigh to balance him...and as I followed the book's checklist (fell onto padded carpet, fell less than his height, cried immediately), I realized that he was probably fine. Because by now, he was trying to grab the photos on the kitchen island. Oh, and he blew a raspberry. Baby fine now. My little bible advised icing with a bag of vegetables, but that it wouldn't make a difference - he'd still get a goose-egg, in all likelihood. So I scooped him into his carseat, where he looked as cute as ever, and gave me a little smile.
I'm okay, Mommy, really.
I told the ladies at the daycare about his fall, and they laughed at me. Won't be the last time he falls, they said. And then they asked, "You put him where?"
Yes, I know. My busy, mobile baby was left on the couch, where I know he'll move eventually. I just forgot. Dumb Mommy. And though I thought I would be on time to work today, I wasn't. Because I was careless. Let the self-flagellating continue.
Friday, October 06, 2006
It's so hard to say...HOODIE!
I had a hard time saying goodbye to Garcon today. He's especially charming in his hoodie...plus I just wasn't feeling the zest for public relations today. So I took a few photos of him in the parking lot of daycare.
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