Resume

Resume...said one way, it means "to begin again"

Said another, it's a document of credentials.

Both seem applicable today. I'm starting up blogging again after a long absence. I tapered off during the summer of 2008, while pregnant with Doph - and then completely stopped blogging while on maternity leave.

I'm starting up again after a surprise piece of mail yesterday. It was a check from BlogHer. Apparently, my modest little blog actually had some traffic. Several people (eight) visited my blog between June and December 2008 and actually clicked on an ad. The result? A check for $3.25. Wow! Writing earns money? I was pretty surprised - first, that anyone read my thoughts - and second, that they took action by clicking. So if it was one of you - thank you.

It seems like a lot has happened since last summer. I had the most beautiful, glorious summer. We spent Sunday mornings at the beach with our little guy. We'd wake up early, drive into the city, eat at our favorite pancake houes and walk to the Oak Street Beach. It was an amazing time to be pregnant and full of life. And I loved being pregnant.

In August, my life was changed again with the arrival of our little girl. She's amazing - and having a daughter has been more special than I realized it ever would be. I adore her. I can't imagine life without her - and I can't stand to be away from her. This hurts sometimes.

It hurts, in part, because I had a really enjoyable maternity leave. I enjoyed it so much more than my first one. The fall weather was beautiful and I was able to be truly present in my life. Present in mind and aware that it was an intimate, happy time. I was so stunned by the breadth and depth of being a mother the first time that I don't believe I really enjoyed my son's newborn months. It was really six months until I understood myself as a mother and was ready to absorb it all, emotionally. So given a second chance to be a first-time mother was an amazing gift.

My children are at an incredible age right now. I see all that a two-and-three-quarters little boy can do. He's a force to be reckoned with. We've lately been calling him ThunderMouse - because he is still a pretty slim guy - but he brings a lot of action with him. I'm proud to say that he has a good sense of his capabilities and his body. He's learned how to use the toilet and is successful probably 90% of the time. And he's so proud of himself.

With all of this love for them, it's hard to be away from them. I just can't soak them up enough - breathing in the scent of their hair - holding them in my arms and feeling their beautiful skin. But I'm writing this on a day I have to be away from them. I'm at the office on a Sunday to try to get ahead of a difficult week. This little company is struggling and the expectations are high. There's no compassion for a full workload and I'm overwhelmed.  That's the other part of resume. I wish I could escape my workload - but in this recession, having a difficult "good job" is better than nothing.

I've already cried, hard, this morning. I went to the first church service and tears streamed down my face. I sat in the pastor's office while she held my hand and prayed that I would remember to take deep breaths, prayed that I'd remember that I don't have to do it all but have to trust someone else to carry the load. The crying was cathartic, and so is writing this. I'm getting the thoughts out so I can focus and draft 3-4 proposals for new work. I think it's helping. I think I'll be able to get things done in the next two hours so I can go back and soak up my little people. I think tomorrow will be better. I'm counting that things will work out so I can take care of myself and be strong for everyone else. Until then, I'm going to keep on keepin' on. It will get better. I'm going to join everyone as we: "pick ourselves off, dust ourselves off and begin again the work of remaking America."