When I was desperately looking for answers about a year ago, I googled some terms on blogger.com like "working mom" and "postpartum depression" and "new mom help" just to find anything that made sense. I didn't have ANY local friends with babies, and felt incredibly alone. I didn't really know how to reach out to old friends and the things that were on my mind, like survivng the day, didn't seem that interesting to long-distance friends.
I struggled through the days at work, and one of the things I did to pass time while working on pesticide communications (I wish I was making that up) was to read blogs like the one written by a woman in Toronto. I was immediately drawn to the title of her blog, "Her Bad Mother" because it conveyed what I was feeling as a formerly type-a achiever, perfectionist, now humbled, inadequate, new and stumbling mother.
Over the months that followed, HBM, and other sites like hers, made me feel less alone.
Now again, HBM writes something that I can instantly relate to...the evolution and loss of a friendship after having a baby.
I don't know for sure if I've lost the friend I have in mind; unlike HBM, I never got a kiss-off. There was no official e-mail or end communication. We still exchange voice-mails occasionally, as if we intend to catch up soon. But the last time we really talked was in January of this year, during my job search and her job relocation. I know we're both busy; that's true enough. I still feel some guilt for not attending her wedding, but I don't know how I could have. It was only five weeks after my delivery, it would have been impossible to bring the newborn to a blazing sunlight beach destination wedding, and there were no provisions to pump, let alone travel with a pack-in-play - I would have been the only one with children there...I could go on. Obviously the guilt is still there. At the time, she says she understood, but I would have been hurt had it been me. I guess I'll never know, because in the interim year - her first year of marriage and my first year of motherhood - we've continued to drift. The first year of motherhood is hard, and I didn't reach out much. Didn't feel like talking on the phone much until about six months in. I tell myself that maybe she'll undestand when she's a mother. But that day might never come, because she doesn't know if she can have kids. I don't know where we go from here.
