My friend C gave me food for thought when she wrote this blog bokumbop: Playgroup politics
I actually got a bit excited about it, because I found we felt similarly...even though a lot of her feelings came from being a Korean-American, and well, I'm hopelessly WASPy, even without regular churchgoing. Ok, ANY churchgoing. I'm just regular white-girl.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Playgroup politics
I belong to a new moms group that the hospital sponsors, and out of the dozen or so of us that started out together, I really only consider three or four my friends - and half of those are non-Caucasian or non-American, or married to a non-Caucasian or non-American. I swear I don't do this on purpose. Anyway, I just saw several of the moms during the weekly get-together at the hospital's wellness center, and one of them commented, oh, it's so nice to see all the kids play together, we should do this more often. And I was like, um, well, that was the whole point of us trying to start a playgroup, remember? We tried to do an organized playgroup, but one thing or another would come up and the enthusiasm just fizzled out. Which was fine - I didn't mind doing the impromptu thing either. But, whenever I would suggest something to do, most people declined or just blew off responding all together. Although I know it's not like the moms are all getting together behind my back, the 10-year-old inside of me can't help but think, is this because we just don't "gel", or is this because I'm Asian. Insane, I know.
I was never good at making friends. No one wanted to be my buddy when you had to pair up in Brownies, at recess I just walked around and around the playground alone watching others do their hopscotch and four-square. And the only differentiating factor I could see between those children and me was my race, so my kiddie logic dictated that it was the reason. In high school, I tried to be outgoing and such, and while everyone was nice, people just weren't interested in hanging out outside of school. Through most of my young adult life, I usually had to be the one to initiate friendships, do the calling, the inviting, maintaining correspondences and the like. Somewhere in my mid 20's, I got tired of it and let attrition take its course. Hardly anyone bothered to keep in touch with me. So I have like one friend from childhood, absolutely none from high school, and two from college, one that I find a little annoying but I can't really break off. And a few former coworkers that I hear from through e-mails here and there. That's it. And this was fine by me because by this time, I was with J.
Then I had lil' T. And making friends suddenly became extremely important again. I don't want T to grow up all anti-social just because his mom is such a loser. The new moms group was a godsend. At first, making friends was easy - everyone is in the same boat as you, cabin-fevered, lonely, a little scared of being home alone all day with this new creature, borderline seasonal affective disorder because our babies were born in winter. Everyone loves everyone. We are already planning how our kids are going to have birthday parties together and grow up knowing each other all their lives. We all exchange phone numbers and e-mails. Life is great. We start the playgroup. We even agonize over the playgroup getting too big, and what to do about it, should we still be going to the wellness center when there is a new wave of newer moms with younger babies joining, etc.
Then ... people start to pull apart. It's natural that you'd become better friends with some more than others. As I said, even I chose some moms that I was more interested in and got to know them better. But part of that is because they reciprocated the effort. For the others ... maybe somewhere deep down, they just don't want the hapa kid around? It's like my little brother's sixth birthday party all over again. My mom invited all the kids in his class, but only one showed up - a half Japanese girl. The kids had a great time anyway, but I remember my mom being so disappointed. I heard her say "Mee-guk sa-rahm [Americans - but it refers specifically to white people] - they don't come to our parties." I was eleven at the time, and she didn't have to explain - I knew what she meant. I feel like everyone is nice, but they aren't really interested in friendship. If they see us, great, but if not, oh well. One time I called up one of the moms, to have a play date that day, and she politely talked me out of it. To be fair, she was legitimately busy. But she never followed up and said, hey, sorry about that, maybe we can do it next week? So, whatever, I can take a hint. I don't bring it up anymore.
I'm trying to have a laissez-faire state of mind towards the whole thing, but being prone to overthink things, my insecurities get the better of me. Because so far the "see ya when we see ya" approach has resulted in ... we won't see you. Or hear from you. Ever. When I talk to J about it, he's says, "So what? F*** 'em." I wish it were that easy, but it's hard to ignore the pattern here.
Mamacita! said...
Well, I have to tell you, Carol - I hope I'm one of the moms in the playgroup you like, (LOL - ok, I know I'm like one of two who read her blog, so a little sarcasm)
Because I have the same insecurities you do. My mom made me invite everyone in the class to birthday parties, too. So I become generally friendly with other kids, but not friends with many. I was the brainy kid who read too early, wore geeky glasses, moved around growing up. By the time I got to know them, I moved again (about every 4 yrs). I don't keep in touch with a single friend that I met before the age of 18. That's the past though, and I'm cool with it. We all have our issues...For me, I sense more socio-economic playgroup issues than about being Caucasian or not. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I felt a chilling response in the room when I first talked about going back to work. I have nothing to be ashamed of - we do fine on two incomes, my son is clean and well-dressed, but at the home of one of the moms, I felt like a poor relation that was lucky to be invited. And then I learned that they were trying to keep the home playgroup limited to just the older babies. Maybe so, but I was the only one with a young baby attending Fridays! So why not just uninvite me. Whatever, it ended anyway. The point is - it's a natural thing for some people to pull together and others, not. I know we don't know each other well, but I like the way you write, you have a great sense of humor and you get the futility of marketing jobs. Were I not working, I'd totally be your walking buddy. So here's a yay-rah for Carol. P.S. Wheaton is too WASPY even for this white girl.
8/25/2006 5:03 PM
