So, let me begin by stating that I'm not disputing that some mothers LOVE caring for a newborn. But for me, in my experience, it just wasn't that way. I loved my baby, but I didn't love the first three months. It was hard. I was sleep deprived. And I was unprepared for the relentless demands of nursing and learning how to care for a baby. It was just harder than I expected.
So when I received an email a friend who has a newborn, I had to ask myself if she was for real. To wit:
"I couldn't be having more fun! It's been such an incredible 3 months. Every moment has been so delightful and filled with joy. You were certainly right when you said parenthood was "the best."
Hmmm...liar, liar, pants on fire?
Maybe it's been her experience. Maybe every moment has been so delightful and filled with joy. Truly, I hope it has. But I'm just a little more realistic about the challenges of the first few months. I wonder if we as mothers are honest with ourselves. I've heard this type of refrain recently from two new moms, including one (I heard through the grapevine) WASN'T having as good a go of it.
I definitely enjoyed comparing notes with a cousin, Stephanie, and a friend, Amber, who gave birth at the same time as me. We were able to say to each other, "You know? This is really facking hard." We felt comforted in being open about it. And then were able to go forward and not find it so daunting: it was a shared experience, and we could get through it knowing it wasn't hard for JUST US. It was hard for others, too.
But there were others, perhaps less familiar, to whom I'd say things like "It's great. I can't believe he's here," or "It's such an amazing time." I wasn't lying about how hard it was, but I wasn't exaggerating my happiness. I'd say these things to people who I didn't know as well or who weren't really asking for a straight answer to "How are you?"
There's definitely a stigma associated with saying motherhood is hard. Or that it was a tough adjustment. But behind closed doors, or in a personal phone call, we do talk about it.
As for my friend, I have to remember that she always has always been super-polished. She may be saying more realistic things to her confidantes.
I hope she IS having a good go of it. (And if she's not, I hope she's telling someone. Or at least on some good drugs. Mmm, drugs.)
